if i had only known

if i’d only known, if i’d only known

you served dinner at your house, and guests were surprisingly few
just you and me and a girl who lived a couple of blocks from you
she ducked out just before desert - she didn’t even finish her food
little did i know i was being set up to have sex with you

if i’d only known, if i’d only known
if i’d only known you wanted it, i would’ve put it in your butt

the prior conversation had touched on our sexual proclivities
somehow i didn’t make the connection that you wanted to get nasty with me
i got up to say good night, and you said i didn’t have to leave
i replied that i was fine to drive - i didn’t understand what you were asking me

if i’d only known, if i’d only known
if i’d only known you wanted it, i would’ve put it in your butt

i thought you didn’t want me to drive home drunk, but you were asking me to fill you trunk
i told you i could make it home, but if i’d known i would have buried the bone

hope you like nut butter, ’cause i’m a butt nutter

if i’d only known, if i’d only known
if i’d only known you wanted it, i would’ve put it in your butt

how it is that unicorns came to accidentally invent water

names made of water, fingers made of glass -
the horny unicorny fucked the pussy in the ass.
the pussy said, “excuse me, you’re a little premature.
you’ve got to get me wet before you get to hear me purr.”
the unicorn said, “kitty, let me tell you something true:
the little hen don’t want it, but the cock, he doodle do.”
so kitty clawed his eyes out, broke his horn, and stole his cash -
names made of water, fingers made of glass.

roses

roses are red.
violets are blue.
blankets make me hot,
and so do you.

country song

does your ma make you feel funny down below?
does she like to touch you where she oughtn’t go?
does your ma make you feel funny, does your ma make you feel funny,
does your ma make you feel funny down below?

i had just come back from boise, idaho
found ma spread out on the porch when i got home
so i took a breathe and dove right in, don’t care if it is a sin
‘cause my ma makes me feel funny down below

i had finished up with ma sec’ before
saw pa and sis’ going at it on the floor
so ma and i, we joined on in, there’s nothing quite like fucking kin
‘cause my ma makes me feel funny down below

the end

so we’re finished now. can you tell me how to continue a life on my own of which you were a part? with just half my heart. now we’re divided; i;ll be fine, provided i don’t have to see you around.

i’ll be missing you, but i don’t want to continue with something that isn’t a mutual trust. it turns to disgust. let’s just keep it clean - when we break, don’t be mean. take your things. go your way. i’ll go mine.

i’ll be careful and try. won’t confirm or deny the rumors i hear when i run into people you know. there’s no competition that i’m trying to win. i just want to get on with myself.

and if by chance, we run into each other again, please let’s not try to be friends. and if you look back and remember you and i, try not to think of the end.